Jack & Jill
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Jill glances at Pacino, and he smiles, making a "call me" gesture. Jack's friends and colleagues throw him a birthday party, extending the invite to Jill. Various celebrities also attend the party. Jill: I miss the old Jared. If he was around, he'd be with me and not with the two hookers. Jack reveals to Jill that one of his friends, Todd, is an atheist, and Jill is offended, as well as many people at the party. NC vo : Check out this strangeness, when it's revealed that somebody there is an atheist.
We go to a commercial. When we come back, we are shown the scene of Jill visiting Al Pacino's house. Pacino: approaching Jill up the stairs It is time for my salvation. I found the one woman. With all our wealth, you and your charm will lead me back to sanity. NC vo : Even when he has her do something as stupid as play ball in his office, leading to Something breaking?!
Jill becomes disinterested with Pacino and leaves him.
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Felipe, who is also taken with Jill, invites her to meet his family at their annual fiesta. NC vo : But hell with that. We have Felipe's birthday party to go to! Felipe: introduces his children Look, these are my kids.
Jack and Jill (nursery rhyme)
Jose, Jose Jr. They all look like my wife, thank God. NC: Awesome! Is there a Chinese festival going on, too? Maybe we can break out the Breakfast at Tiffany's makeup for Rob Schneider!
Yunioshi from Breakfast at Tiffany's , played by Mickey Rooney, is shown. Cut to Felipe's grandmother Juangelina, also played by Eugenio Derbez, who is NC: horrified Never show that woman again, for the love of God. Beat You're gonna show her a lot, aren't you?
As NC speaks, two robbers Malcolm and Tamara playfully sneak across the scene of Juangelina, carrying along big bags with the caption "Joy" on them. Jill loses her shoe, and it hits Juangelina in the head, knocking her out. Felipe's family rushes to her and stuffs jalapenos in her mouth, awakening her.
NC vo : Oh, no, she got knocked out. Better feed her jalapenos, because Trying to break the pinata open, Jill accidentally hits Juangelina again, and the family brings her consciousness back with jalapenos. NC: Yes! Peppers are Mexicans' life juice! It's funny, because the people who have wrote this joke are going to Hell. NC vo : Meanwhile, Pacino breaks into Jack's house to find Jill and comes across her sweat stains on the bed.
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I mean, come on. How can he not go for a person like this? Jack is waiting at the bathroom door. Jill is inside, and she has a diarrhea after eating too much at Felipe's fiesta.
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Jill: from the inside, farts I spent the day at Felipe's picnic, where I finally felt welcome. Jack calls Pacino just in the midst of his theater performance, and Pacino tells Jack that Jill must get together with him, or else there won't be any commercial. Jack invites Jill on the cruise with his family. At sea, while Jill continues making a fool of herself and everyone around her, Jack disguises himself as his own sister and goes on her date with Pacino.
NC vo : Pacino takes a call literally in the middle of a play The bathroom attendant even straightens him out, so to speak. The bathroom attendant Ruben Rabasa , who is the only one aware of Jack's scheme, calls him by moving a finger towards himself, and corrects the position of Jack's fake breasts.
He kisses his fingertips as if to say, "Perfect! A helicopter with Pacino onboard appears and picks Jack-as-Jill up. We then cut to Jack and Pacino having dinner in the latter's mansion. NC vo : Pacino flies a helicopter overhead and picks him up. And keeping with Pacino being the only semi-entertaining thing in this, we get our first legit laugh-out-loud joke.
NC: snickers Shit. That was a really good joke, too. We had such a good record going! Eight rows consisting of forty-four words "Unfunny" in red letters and the only one word "Funny" in blue letters are shown below. Jill suspects that Jack invited her on the cruise just so Pacino would do the commercial; such is confirmed when she phones Jack, he answers as Jill, and then she hears Pacino in the background.
NC vo : Sure enough, Jill calls and finds out that he's pretending to be her, breaking her poor little heart. Jill's eyes fill with tears Because I am so ready to have an emotional scene with this character. I think I'd cry more with this guy. The bathroom attendant walks up to see Jill. Assuming it's Jack in drag, the attendant calls Jill to himself with his finger. NC vo : But, okay. Here's a classic setup. We know exactly where this is gonna go, but they can't possibly screw it up, right?
Jill comes up, and the attendant gropes the breasts. Finding out they're real, he smiles sheepishly. Without a word, Jill punches him in the face so hard, he breaks the bathroom door. NC vo : We know exactly what he's gonna do and that she's obviously gonna hit him, so you gotta deliver it a little differently. We cut again to the attendant seeing Jill and calling her with his finger. Jill walks up to him NC vo : It doesn't have to be spelled out. It respects our intelligence. And I know it's ironically stupid thinking Jack and Jill will respect our intelligence, but I'm sorry!
Pacino, still believing Jack to be Jill, spells out that Pacino sees much more in her than just a pathetic half-wit Feeling unspeakably guilty, Jack returns to the ship. Erin and Gary find Jack without the wig, but still in drag. NC vo : Jack realizes he betrayed his sister, though, and he gets back on the cruise ship. At a restaurant on New Year's Eve, toting a picture of her and Jack's late mother, Jill comes across a group of former classmates who always made fun of her; these classmates, led by Monica played by David Spade in drag , pick up directly where they left off.
NC vo : Speaking of weirdos, David Spade is in this movie, too. Let's see if they use him to his full potential Yeah, sounds about right. NC vo : But Jack appears to tell Jill just how much she means to him in their secret language. Jack: Ook maga do do, pokee. Jill looks touched Pagogo tu iray, nah ee pokee, para mee. NC: You know, it's only a matter of time before Sandler films get so bad at being sentimental, that even his gibberish is trying to sound emotional.
Monica attacks Erin and is cold cocked by Jill. And Al Pacino comes in as Don Quixote. Pacino: to Jill Your purity befits a knight more worthy than I. Go to him. He waits for you. NC: You know, Pacino, I was actually enjoying your weird, but then you went and made it weird. Pacino: fighting a ceiling fan, still in-character as Don Quixote It's a foul monster! Everyone returns home just in time by New Year's Eve to see Felipe and his children clearing the snow on the sidewalk. Felipe professes his love for Jill, making her really happy.
NC vo : They go to see Felipe, who apparently shoveled all the fake snow off his house NC vo : A happy ending, or so they tell us. But hey, I don't think we plugged Dunkin' Donuts enough. Pacino: showing off the jacket that has a donut pattern on the inside Say hello to my chocolate blend! NC: completely lost So this is a mental breakdown. Pause About as scary as I thought. Cut to Jack showing the commercial to Pacino at the latter's mansion. The ending of the commercial on the TV is Photoshopped, being replaced by Jack and Jill logo from the trailer.
NC vo : Pacino is supposed to give his thoughts on the commercial at the end, but you know what?
Let's just show what he's really talking about. NC vo : The only thing it has going for it is, oddly enough, Al Pacino's weird-ass performance. I hate to say it, but his dedication steals the show and can be funny once in a while. Aside from that, though, it's pretty much as annoying, grating and painfully obnoxious as you would expect. If you can't figure out this is gonna be a stinking pile, then maybe you deserve the awful film you got coming to you.
For me, if it looks like a dump and smells like a dump, it must be Jack and Jill. NC: speaking slowly Release it. After you bury every copy of this movie ever made. NC suddenly points his handgun at Malcolm and Tamara sternly with a slight "thunder" sound effect , and they instantly change their tones and nervously exit the living room. Tamara: overlapping Oh, we'll find a way! See ya later, we'll find it, we'll do it! Malcolm: overlapping Oh, oh, we'll find a way. Yeah, we'll find a way. Yeah, so To the shovels.
NC puts the shotgun on the table and slowly turns to the camera, again, with a "thunder" sound effect. Sign In Don't have an account? Start a Wiki. Jack and Jill. Woody Woodpecker Categories :.