A Little Domination Between Friends: A Queer Femdom Story of Bisexual Submission and Public Sex

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I relaxed. Then he pulled my hand under his kilt: a fully erect dick with a massive Prince Albert piercing jutting through the head. He pulls my hand and I follow him through the throng. Learning leather bars was different from learning life outside the closet. I never feared coming out — but kink scared me. Fear coupled with desire leads us all here — eager, fresh-faced, and ready to learn. Most of the photos in this gallery are by Matt Baume , a long time Advocate contributor.

They were taken mostly at the Seattle Eagle, but some are from leather and kink events, like the yearly IML in Chicago. My name is Alexander Cheves, and I am known by friends in the kink and leather community as Beastly. I am a sex-positive writer and blogger. Like everything I write, the intent of this piece is to break down the stigmas surrounding the sex lives of gay men. For all others, enjoy the slideshow. And feel free to leave your own suggestions of sex and dating topics in the comments.

Hungry for more? Last Pride, the outdoor deck of my local leather bar was standing-room-only, a swaying mass of sweat and skin. Furry pecs were buckled down in black leather straps, asses were out, and every few minutes a man stood, coming up for air, before dropping back to his knees. Most were gay men, but some femdoms female dominants were in attendance. They spilled out the front and back entrances onto both porches, into the parking lot, down the sidewalk and around the block — men in various states of dress and undress. Others wore jeans and t-shirt.

Some, like me, wore almost nothing. Every body type was on display. Large folks of every gender strutted jockstraps. Skinny kinksters slinked through in latex. Countless guys like me — guys who work out but still eat donuts, who keep their beards trim and bellies natural — felt confident to lose shirts and more. The lovely thing about my hometown leather bar — and about leather bars across the world, and about the communities they serve — is the invite for everyone of every size.

Different bars and clubs have different policies — some require gear, some require you to get through a selective doorman, some are male-only — but these are few.

Most are open to all kinky people, and kinky people come in every shape, size, gender, and color. Come as you are. In many leather bars, you can get by in jeans and a t-shirt. Some are more intense, catered to people actively in the scene who know fetish wear, and require you to meet dress code to get in the door. Find out beforehand if certain gear is required. Gawking may be one of two things: that judgy, snickering look of people who come to stare at people with their clothes off, or that terrified, deer-in-the-headlights look of someone who has no idea where they are.

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Try not to gawk, if you can help it. You might see many different body types in little or no clothing. You might see someone getting paddled, flogged, or fisted. He has a partner, owner, daddy, handler, committed boyfriend, master, or sir. Behave accordingly. If you get touched and are simply a voyeur not there to play , gently push their hand away — and if you have to do this a lot, leave. Some leather bars go a step further and have a sling room, or have some sex furniture available, and will likely have low light so you can see well enough to use it.

You may attract an audience, which some consider part of the fun. Many leather bars have demos for various kinky sex acts. The last one I attended was a needle play demo. This was delivered by a professional on an experienced sub. I was filled with questions — so was everyone else. When the pro was ready to take our questions, everyone raised hands.

We were gathered around a man lying belly-down on a table with needles inserted through pinched layers of skin down his back. Needle play — a lesser-known kink — requires expert-level skill and certain precautions gloves, sterilized needles, and so on to be enjoyed with a degree of safety. Other kinksters will be there, some with more experience than you, some with less. Between their questions and yours, most questions will get answered. Listen to what others ask. Thank the demonstrator. This is how kinks, particularly niche ones, are handed down.

Leather bars are implicitly more sexual, because they cater to a community that defines itself by the sex its patrons enjoy. You should never touch someone without their permission — this is a rule of life and is true The only circumstance where this rule gets challenged is in a lights-out space made for anonymous play — spaces which exist in some leather bars, gay sex clubs, gay bathhouses, and so on. In these spaces, you waive a degree of consent by entering them, and consensually submit yourself to being touched by people you cannot see. This is why we enjoy these spaces. Sure, on some dance floors, with some substances, people get touchy-feely.

If someone is tied and gagged and being led around via collar and leash, ask the person holding their collar. Consent gets nonverbal in situations like this. At first glance, kinky sex spaces make consent murky. In all other circumstances, never touch someone without their permission. This is the fine line between consensual sex play and assault. The kinky community does not condone assault and never will.

You may get touched, but sex is different. You assume these risks by being there, and while they might seem threatening and uncomfortable, these risks are easier to navigate than you think. In a lights-out space, a phone light can be blinding, and ruins the purpose of the space — anonymity. Keep talking to a minimum. This is for boot-worshipers, daddy-lovers, dominant-seekers, leather submissives, and so on. Be a good boy. They want it. In an age when smoking areas are hard to find in any establishment in the United States, you will still find smoking patios or smoking rooms at leather bars — put there for cigar daddies and their human ashtrays.

The cigar fetish is still raging in the world of kink cigarettes less so. The hanky code has survived in kink. Some say the hanky code was always part of kink, BDSM, and the leather community — that it never existed outside of it. Others ask a more obvious question: Were gay men ever vanilla? The hanky code has vague roots, but we know it started in the 70s or earlier as a covert way for gay men to communicate what kind of sex they were looking for in the pre-internet, pre-Grindr, pre-mobile phone, pre-revolution days.

When cruising seedy neighborhoods and underground dives could get you killed or arrested — before AIDS hit its peak — we invented a code of wearing colored hankies in the back right or left pocket of our skintight jeans with colors dictating what sex we were seeking. Most of the hanky code is lost to antiquity. This is not a dig at your ability to navigate a leather bar as a newcomer. Many newcomers start as submissives, learn the ropes, then try dominance. A reality of our modern times is that sex in bars is hard to come by. Establishments are more heavily regulated now.

Underground spaces are no longer underground. We live in the era of tagging your location on Facebook and surveillance cameras everywhere. Park cruising is gone. Backroom cruising is nearly gone too. Depending on where you are, you may not be able to fuck in front of everyone — on the dance floor, by the bar, or otherwise. Then again, you may — but wait until you get a vibe of what is allowed or better yet, ask before doing something that might get frowned upon by staffers and management concerned with keeping their lease a reasonable fear all leather bars face with the ever-growing threat of gentrification wiping them out.

Your kinky, leathery family is not just men. Many women, genderfluid, and genderqueer folks are part of this awesome community. That said, you may venture out to the oddball leather bar with no coat check — nowhere to stash your things. Bring a bag, leave your stuff in your car, or ask the bartender if you can safely keep something behind the bar. A coat check is better, and regardless what you do, you should keep your valuables phone, wallet, keys on your person, but there are ways to have fun sans-check. Pro Tip: always ask nicely, tip generously, and be unfailingly polite.

The puer delicatus was an "exquisite" or "dainty" child-slave chosen by his master for his beauty as a " boy toy ", [] also referred to as deliciae "sweets" or "delights". Pueri delicati might be idealized in poetry and the relationship between him and his master may be painted in strongly romantic colors. In the Silvae , Statius composed two epitaphs 2. These poems seem to demonstrate that such relationships could have a deep emotional dimension, [] and it is known from inscriptions in Roman ruins that men could be buried with their delicati , which is evidence of deep emotional attachment on the part of the master as well as of an erotic relationship between the pair in life.

Both Martial and Statius in a number of poems celebrate the freedman Earinus, a eunuch, and his devotion to his lover, the emperor Domitian. In the erotic elegies of Tibullus , the delicatus Marathus wears lavish and expensive clothing. Pullus was a term for a young animal, and particularly a chick. It was an affectionate word [] traditionally used for a boy puer [] who was loved by someone "in an obscene sense". The lexicographer Festus provides a definition and illustrates with a comic anecdote.

I Spent 24 Hours In A BDSM Dungeon

Quintus Fabius Maximus Eburnus , a consul in BC and later a censor known for his moral severity, earned his cognomen meaning " Ivory " the modern equivalent might be " Porcelain " because of his fair good looks candor. Eburnus was said to have been struck by lightning on his buttocks, perhaps a reference to a birthmark. Although the sexual inviolability of underage male citizens is usually emphasized, this anecdote is among the evidence that even the most well-born youths might go through a phase in which they could be viewed as "sex objects".

The 4th-century Gallo-Roman poet Ausonius records the word pullipremo , "chick-squeezer", which he says was used by the early satirist Lucilius. Pusio is etymologically related to puer, and means "boy, lad". It often had a distinctly sexual or sexually demeaning connotation. Scultimidonus "asshole-bestower" [] was rare and "florid" slang [] that appears in a fragment from the early Roman satirist Lucilius. The abstract noun impudicitia adjective impudicus was the negation of pudicitia , "sexual morality, chastity". As a characteristic of males, it often implies the willingness to be penetrated.

Impudicitia might be associated with behaviors in young men who retained a degree of boyish attractiveness but were old enough to be expected to behave according to masculine norms. Julius Caesar was accused of bringing the notoriety of infamia upon himself, both when he was about 19, for taking the passive role in an affair with King Nicomedes of Bithynia , and later for many adulterous affairs with women.

Latin had such a wealth of words for men outside the masculine norm that some scholars [] argue for the existence of a homosexual subculture at Rome; that is, although the noun "homosexual" has no straightforward equivalent in Latin, literary sources reveal a pattern of behaviors among a minority of free men that indicate same-sex preference or orientation. Plautus mentions a street known for male prostitutes. Juvenal states that such men scratched their heads with a finger to identify themselves. Apuleius indicates that cinaedi might form social alliances for mutual enjoyment, such as hosting dinner parties.

In his novel The Golden Ass , he describes one group who jointly purchased and shared a concubinus. On one occasion, they invited a "well-endowed" young hick rusticanus iuvenis to their party, and took turns performing oral sex on him. Other scholars, primarily those who argue from the perspective of " cultural constructionism ", maintain that there is not an identifiable social group of males who would have self-identified as "homosexual" as a community. Although in general the Romans regarded marriage as a male—female union for the purpose of producing children, a few scholars believe that in the early Imperial period some male couples were celebrating traditional marriage rites in the presence of friends.

Both Martial and Juvenal refer to marriage between males as something that occurs not infrequently, although they disapprove of it. Various ancient sources state that the emperor Nero celebrated two public weddings with men, once taking the role of the bride with a freedman Pythagoras , and once the groom with Sporus ; there may have been a third in which he was the bride. Other mature men at his court had husbands, or said they had husbands in imitation of the emperor.

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The earliest reference in Latin literature to a marriage between males occurs in the Philippics of Cicero , who insulted Mark Antony for being promiscuous in his youth until Curio "established you in a fixed and stable marriage matrimonium , as if he had given you a stola ", the traditional garment of a married woman. Roman law addressed the rape of a male citizen as early as the 2nd century BC, [] when it was ruled that even a man who was "disreputable and questionable" famosus, related to infamis , and suspiciosus had the same right as other free men not to have his body subjected to forced sex.

The slave's owner, however, could prosecute the rapist for property damage. Fears of mass rape following a military defeat extended equally to male and female potential victims. The threat of one man to subject another to anal or oral rape irrumatio is a theme of invective poetry, most notably in Catullus's notorious Carmen 16 , [] and was a form of masculine braggadocio. In a collection of twelve anecdotes dealing with assaults on chastity, the historian Valerius Maximus features male victims in equal number to female. The Roman soldier, like any free and respectable Roman male of status, was expected to show self-discipline in matters of sex.

Sex among fellow soldiers, however, violated the Roman decorum against intercourse with another freeborn male. A soldier maintained his masculinity by not allowing his body to be used for sexual purposes. In warfare, rape symbolized defeat, a motive for the soldier not to make his body sexually vulnerable in general. Polybius 2nd century BC reports that the punishment for a soldier who willingly submitted to penetration was the fustuarium , clubbing to death.

Roman historians record cautionary tales of officers who abuse their authority to coerce sex from their soldiers, and then suffer dire consequences. A good-looking young recruit named Trebonius [] had been sexually harassed over a period of time by his superior officer, who happened to be Marius's nephew, Gaius Luscius. One night, after having fended off unwanted advances on numerous occasions, Trebonius was summoned to Luscius's tent. Unable to disobey the command of his superior, he found himself the object of a sexual assault and drew his sword, killing Luscius.

A conviction for killing an officer typically resulted in execution. When brought to trial, he was able to produce witnesses to show that he had repeatedly had to fend off Luscius, and "had never prostituted his body to anyone, despite offers of expensive gifts". Marius not only acquitted Trebonius in the killing of his kinsman, but gave him a crown for bravery. In addition to repeatedly described anal intercourse, oral sex was common.

A graffito from Pompeii is unambiguous: "Secundus is a fellator of rare ability" Secundus felator rarus. Petronius describes a man with a large penis in a public bathroom. The Gallo-Roman poet Ausonius 4th century AD makes a joke about a male threesome that depends on imagining the configurations of group sex:. In other words, a 'train' is being alluded to: the first man penetrates the second, who in turn penetrates the third. The first two are "sinning", while the last two are being "sinned against".

References to sex between women are infrequent in the Roman literature of the Republic and early Principate. Ovid finds it "a desire known to no one, freakish, novel I wish I could hold to my neck and embrace the little arms, and bear kisses on the tender lips. Go on, doll, and trust your joys to the winds; believe me, light is the nature of men. Other readings, unrelated to female homosexual desire, are also possible.

According to Roman studies scholar Craig Williams, the verses can also be read as, "a poetic soliloquy in which a woman ponders her own painful experiences with men and addresses herself in Catullan manner; the opening wish for an embrace and kisses express a backward-looking yearning for her man. Greek words for a woman who prefers sex with another woman include hetairistria compare hetaira , "courtesan" or "companion" , tribas plural tribades , and Lesbia ; Latin words include the loanword tribas , fricatrix "she who rubs" , and virago.

Instead, they consort with women, just like men. Since Romans thought a sex act required an active or dominant partner who was " phallic ", male writers imagined that in female—female sex one of the women would use a dildo or have an exceptionally large clitoris for penetration, and that she would be the one experiencing pleasure. Martial describes women acting sexually actively with other women as having outsized sexual appetites and performing penetrative sex on both women and boys.

Cross-dressing appears in Roman literature and art in various ways to mark the uncertainties and ambiguities of gender:. A section of the Digest by Ulpian categorizes Roman clothing on the basis of who may appropriately wear it: vestimenta virilia , "men's clothing", is defined as the attire of the paterfamilias , "head of household"; puerilia is clothing that serves no purpose other than to mark its wearer as a "child" or minor; muliebria are the garments that characterize a materfamilias ; communia , those that are "common", that is, worn by either sex; and familiarica , clothing for the familia , the subordinates in a household, including the staff and slaves.

A man who wore women's clothes, Ulpian notes, would risk making himself the object of scorn. The wearing of the toga may signal that prostitutes were outside the normal social and legal category of "woman". They are sometimes considered a transgender or transsexual priesthood, since they were required to be castrated in imitation of Attis. The complexities of gender identity in the religion of Cybele and the Attis myth are explored by Catullus in one of his longest poems, Carmen Macrobius describes a masculine form of "Venus" Aphrodite who received cult on Cyprus ; she had a beard and male genitals, but wore women's clothing.

The deity's worshippers cross-dressed, men wearing women's clothes, and women men's. In several surviving examples of Greek and Roman sculpture, the love goddess pulls up her garments to reveal her male genitalia, a gesture that traditionally held apotropaic or magical power. Pliny notes that "there are even those who are born of both sexes, whom we call hermaphrodites, at one time androgyni " andr- , "man", and gyn- , "woman", from the Greek. Attitudes toward same-sex behavior changed as Christianity became more prominent in the Empire.

The modern perception of Roman sexual decadence can be traced to early Christian polemic. A series of laws regulating male—male sex were promulgated during the social crisis of the 3rd century , from the statutory rape of minors to marriage between males. By the end of the 4th century, anally passive men under the Christian Empire were punished by burning. From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia. See also: Erotic art in Pompeii and Herculaneum. Main article: Warren Cup. See also: History of lesbianism and Tribadism.

Main article: Intersex in history. LGBT portal. Graffiti and the Literary Landscape in Roman Pompeii.

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Oxford University Press. Despite the best efforts of scholars, we have essentially no direct evidence of female homoerotic love in Rome: the best we can do is a collection of hostile literary and technical treatments ranging from Phaedrus to Juvenal to the medical writers and Church fathers, all of which condemn sex between women as low-class, immoral, barbarous, and disgusting.

Faraone Ancient Greek Love Magic. Harvard University Press. See the statement preserved by Aulus Gellius 9. The lower classes humiliores were subject to harsher penalties than the elite honestiores. See also Sexuality in ancient Rome Epicurean sexuality. University of Chicago. Hallett; Marilyn Skinner, eds. Roman Sexualities. Princeton University Press. A Companion to the Roman Empire. Sex or Symbol? Erotic Images of Greece and Rome. British Museum. Butrica Haworth Press.

Against Timarchus. Clarendon Press. John R. The Guardian. Retrieved 23 May Belknap Press, Harvard University Press. Milo , Delicia Children in the Roman Household".


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In David L. Balch; Carolyn Osiek eds. William B. Eerdmans Publishing Company. Corpus Tibullianum III. See also Plautus , Poenulus , as noted by Richard P.