So I chose happiness. I had similar experience. Refused to go to counselling, infidelity and nor remorse. I moved out and hoping I can find happiness again. We deserve more respect. This is indeed the worst form of Emotional Abuse. I do not know what form of rise that they feel doing this. I know quiet people such as Introverts need quiet to recharge.
If they continue to be quiet then, they are rude. It is a very immature attitude. I have dealt with it for many years. Some just except it. I also know it is a very dangerous attitude when it comes to Disrespect. People better start thinking of the way they conduct their lives. It says No one I mean no one has the right to disrespect anyone. From a murderer to a Grandmother. Everyone is to be treated equally. The people who do this might not answer for it in this life but, I promise they will in the next life.
Keep the bottom thought in mind. I would panic when he walked through the door. It has made me insane. I have two kids and being a stay at home mom I have unfortunately come to depend on him and have no where to go. Have you found any solutions or coping skills to deal with a stonewall person? Other than divorce? There are no coping strategies we are with master manipulators here. They use financial control, another form of abuse.
It stops the bad thoughts from destroying you mentally and physically. It is the most draining existence to live especially with children. Hiding your face constantly so nobody can see you Crying? Where are you Julie? Sometimes I think we should just all get together and escape, together!!!!
If you stay in the relationship you must focus on yourself and children and your physical and psychological safety. Though her work is geared to substance abuse relatiobships her strategies are helpful for abusive and all dysfunctioning relationships. You can keep yourself not only sane but happier till you are ready for any next steps.
Good luck. My husband does it to me too… It used to last for weeks and I would be constantly asking what was wrong. It is a dysfunctional cycle and the only way to break free is to step out of it yourself and not allow yourself to be treated as such any longer. Hard to know, I am there right now, with a divorce that will be final in a matter of days. The person who stonewalls is in a power position, and controls the relationship communication completely, the other person is left trying to appease, or stuff down feelings in order to be spoken to again.
A stonewaller is not going to give up that power position, why would they? To cure them will not happen. Showing them how much it hurts you, or lashing out only reinforces their behavior. So telling them how much you are suffering, plays right into the cycle. They do.
I have been in counseling every week for two and a half years, and my soon to be ex went with me one time. I worked on strengthening myself, and learning healthy communication. I learned to not trigger him and how to release control of how he responded. But in all that time, he did no work on his communication, or should I say, lack thereof, and the more I tried to keep my feelings down to not trigger him, the more sensitive he became. No matter how assertive, and calm and thoughtful I was in my communication, he would shut down, and leave and ice me out for weeks, months.
So, in essence, the healthier I became the more he tried to regain control over me, and the stonewalling became worse. There is no hope. If there ever was, it would come from the stonewaller themselves, not the person on the other end. One does not seek help for something one does not see as a problem. Best of luck to you. This is very similar to the dismissive-avoidant attachment theory. I agree on the dismissive-avoidant personality. I am in school currently to become a psychologist and my ex definitely had this personality type.
CoDependents Anonymous is a place to go for the journey to heal. You can Google codependents anonymous and find face-to-face meetings, phone meetings which are really great, and online meetings. You can go to their website and read about the patterns of codependency and it is amazing what you may relate to. I am growing by leaps and bounds.
I have wonderful loving members I can reach out to.
We read our books and work through the tools of recovery. Sending you blessings. You can start re-creating your life now. Hi Andrea, I understand exactly what you are saying. I have been through the same thing and reading your comment was as if I was reading my own married life issues. No you do not sound pathetic. Thank yourself much for putting that up. It sounds so sadly poetic. Yet with each line a heart string was pulled within myself, the memories the tears the isolation.
Nobody should have to go through that. Lara, thankyou for your kind words. She did. Reading the posts and in particular yours Andrea, which made me feel like I was reading my own story, has reminded me about how devastating this cruel, controlling, manipulative and destructive form of abuse is. And yEt the only time that abuse escapes is when utter desperation and madness breaks free from the chains of reasoning, begging, following around as he walks away.
I have no case to plead becauee the judge and jury closes my case every time I get a chance for a hearing. The mallet is the only response and it slams down a guilty verdict and sentences me to a life of stonewalling. I can only continue to pray that his heart or stone walling — how apt!
My coping strategy has been to make my own parallel life; I belong to a gym where I go and meet friendly faces plus work out; I walk most mornings before work with a wonderful understanding friend, I run twice a week with another friend, I go to church where I am warmly welcomed and we can mutually encourage one another. Also I work full time where I get to meet other people and focus on my tasks for the day. Without all of the above I would never have coped or stayed here.
Mental anguish can be managed if you have a plethora of interests and activities. I want to offer my empathy to all of you. I have been experiencing all of the treatment that you are describing in your posts. Albeit from a distance, because I moved miles to a place where he spends half the year, always relaxing and having fun, so it seemed. When he was home it was all business with no time for pleasure. Now after being out here for almost 2 years I realize he recluses here also and has no friends. I can relate to the lady who said he was so nice on the phone, but when he was home he was like a Sgt.
Only this guy was a Lit. Insecure, isolated with no friends and always making excuses for everything. He was right, he knew better, He was my superior in his mind, yet scared to death of me rejecting him in his heart. We never lived together thank goodness. I believe he knew he was mean to me and hurting me. Also I called him on his behavior. At one point suggesting he date a lady that seemed to have a similar personality so he could experience some of his own cruelness.
Exit me, and he had only his own self and inadequacies to deal with. So he called her. He has continued to contact me as he is here almost once a month. Each time stating they are not too serious. When I say I can not see him if he is seeing her, he gets agitated and says they are talking about a future. This has happened 3 times, yet he is still wanting to see me and there is no physical interaction. I keep saying if you are serious with her, then why do you still need to see me. She should be all you think of? He has used just about every form of emotional abuse, yet reporting my weakness as the problem in the relationship, lightly brushing over his short comings stating he needs to work on that, and he will try to do better.
He went to counseling and lied about the conversations, stating the exact same thing every week. The lies have gotten out of control and I could see the mass confusion on his face and hear it in his messages. In some ways I feel sorry for him and in other ways, he is getting a huge dose of his own medicine. In the past he has stonewalled me until I quit the relationship, then the cards and flowers come. I grew so afraid of trying to end things because he always returns, right when I have gotten my self together.
This last time I made the mistake of calling thinking it had been enough time that he and she would be great and I could touch base as a friend. And he was attentive and helpful, right up until I said, look If you want to say you love me and try to kiss me, you need to end it with her. Then I called her….. And he is now stonewalling her. For a bit I thought oh, he is giving her everything I ever wanted, because he was telling me they were doing this and that, all the things I wanted to do with him. Total stone walling. It is she who is now stuck in the trap of his emotional abuse.
It is she who can doubt her own ethics and sense of morality and intelligence. She can spend endless hours wondering how to please him and get his approval. I do truly hope they are enough a like as they both seem to like to control people, they can make it work. I know for myself, I need open and honest. I need a man who can communicate negative feelings and respects me and meets my needs. I highly suggest if any of you are able you find folks that love and support you that you put your efforts there and on improving your own image of your self.
One thing I did realize is the more I was independent and went out with my friends the more he tried to win my attention. I will tell you what a wise counselor told me once. Most people who play these games are incredibly insecure. So why not just go live your life and be happy. Maybe they will try harder to win your affections. Maybe they will find someone else they can beat down and have an affair, then you are free to leave. Nothing will make you feel more confident then having a way to take care of yourself.
God will provide, He has no desire that you live in torment. Hi Andrea, Your story and honesty breaks my heart. You are not pathetic. You are sound, cognizant, and have power. I used to feel consciously powerful until i started dating my bf for the last 6 years. And his family agrees. We just broke up a couple weeks ago and I am realizing the dregree of abuse I endured. It helps! I go on the elliptical and I am aware of my power for about an hour times a week. That is far more power than I have felt in the last 6 years. Bless you and your son and I hope with all my heart you can find the power to remind yourself and your son what a woman deserves in life and love.
You are in my thoughts and I wish you the best- without any pressure- just as you are. Every word you wrote struck a chord in me because it is exactly what I am going through. I hope you are well or have become better since your last post here. May I ask how you have coped with your situation?
Did you choose to stay or leave? Andrea Plz do not feel ashamed… We are good, loving , forgiving people.. We have just been taking advantage of by what I call heart-less damaged partner..
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I literally have no self-esteem and I am angry with myself everyday that I let this go on for 17 yrs.. I wish you the very best.. We deserve better. I can relate to how you are feeling. My strength has come from knowing that nothing I can do can change the person who stonewalls me and treats me badly, but I can change how I deal with it.
You do have power. You can find other people to socialize with and get your needs met. You can choose to make a life outside of your husband with healthy people who will enrich your life and see your value. There is hope. Though I can understand the misandry it brings out in women. Some women are worse, especially when that woman is your mother. I feel so grateful for all of this raw honesty. I hope I can learn how to deal with my sorrow.
My heart feels so broken for all of this infliction of pain. No one deserves this, no one. I pray that God brings peace to us all. Unlike some of the people many complain about, my actions of stonewalling have actually been in my defense. I stonewall when I feel cornered, attacked, or antagonized.
For me I feel like it is the other Peru who is behaving abusively and aggressive and t cases me to withdraw almost completely every time. My intent is not to evoke emotional trauma or damage to someone if I really mediate on my thoughts then maybe I could find a manipulative moment or two when I was looking to get someone else to feel something by stonewalling. My stonewalling was have been an almost natural response to unnecessary argument, drama, or when I feel like someone is trying to bait me into a nasty conversation about someone or something and I personally try to refrain from letting terrible things come out of my mouth.
So not all people that stonewall are passive aggressive villains; some of us are deeply wounded victims too due to rejection and early emotional trauma I can honestly say I agree with you to a degree — dismissive avoidant. They are destructive in nature so it will be hard for anyone to be in a relationship with you. I have been stonewalled by an ex—he emotionally shut down when he felt he didnt want to engage in conflict or its resolution.
While I could see it coming, and I know his past experiences made him the way he is, to me it was hurtful. So many situations could have been diffused. I would hope that at some point in time, he realizes that he sabotages a healthy relationship and seeks help in order to utilize healthier coping mechanisms. In the meantime, I now have to mourn the loss of my partner and friend. I am in the same boat with you. When i stonewall my husband, i literally have nothing going through my mind except a barrage of negative thoughts and then the tears just run down my face.
I know my husband feels like its manipulation and i am sure i would feel the same way, so then he questions more aggressively and then gets even more mad. He has never done anything to me, but years of verbal and emotional abuse have done this to me. I would say mine is results of years of abuse, where his is more manipulative in nature, he also learned it from his mother who does the same thing.http://aprea.vvinners.com/12574.php
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Thank you for your understanding; sorry for your circumstances. I also think it can be spiritual torment that causes us to react in this manner also…I certainly do. I have been stonewalled for 20 years now. I just learned about the term but always thought he was ignoring me. It can go on for 3 weeks or most recently 6 months until I got his brother involved. I have lost my job, many friends and mostly my self esteem. But after 20 years I am now angry and I issued him with a divorce form.
He is always rude to me, puts me down and has been physically abusive since day one. Most recently after starting his own business he started hiding money from me, lying about how much he was earning, acussing me of taking money that I hadnt touched. All this while I was coming to terms with the loss of my mother to cancer and caring full time for my father who was suffering from liver cancer.
Deep down I feel he is using me because now I have so much money that it also equals freedom. I hope you can openly communicate that its your own negative thoughts about your self running through your head from prior years of abuse, and not your husbands words that are causing you pain. You came to the marriage with issues as we all do. In some ways you have probably taught him to treat you that way, he gets upset and you can escape… a safe place or at least familiar place for you. I hope you can confront your issues as well as you articulated them to us.
You are on the road to healing. We are all insecure inside and want to fit in. I completely agree. So how do we deal with you kind of stonewaller? He can walk away from me and the kids for 7 weeks last time. Total admiration for you speaking the truth,I do exactly the same for the same reason ,only difference is my stonewalling was created by my control freak wife in the last 10 years, I DO NOT have anything to hide as a lot of you seem to believe ,i just do it to protect myself from the savage attacks all the time ,cheers. Actually that sounds quite harsh, I think I meant it is ok to withdraw based on old wounds but that is not stonewalling.
If you are stonewalling you would be assuming that the other person is being difficult or entering into unnecessary conversation so then this would be stonewalling as you need to check this is the case. But I think stonewalling is more manipulative. Thank-you for this article!! Thank-you for your honest comments. I am not going mad, I am not a demanding nagger!! My husband is a stone Waller. I end up yelling most of the time. We have 3 small kids and I have no idea how to show them positive adult relationships work.
Why is it mummy who always plans things. I am miserable. My self esteem has plummetted.
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I try to talk to him and he just stares at me. Delays the conversation. Gets angry if I try to talk about saving money for the kids or anything a family should plan for.
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Now, I have a name for it and I understand I am not the problem!!! Now, I just need to find a way to sort this situation out. I feel ur pain I have been married to a stone Waller for 16 miserable years. U r not alone. Hi Tina Your story reminds me of my earlier marriage years. I used to be the most sociable person having worked as a medical receptionist for over 9 years. After the marriage and the abuse plus stonewalling my self esteem plummeted right down that I am finding it hard to get back to where I Used to be.
I wish all the best for you I this marriage. We discussed it before and I thought he would stop. It makes me feel so worthless I just wanna die. I hate him for this. I have no hope left. I feel your pain and I also feel the same way as you do, if someone loves you how in the hell can they treat you like this? How can they make us feel so damn low?? Sh t after 18yrs of marriage and 3 kids later how the hell can he be so damn cold hearted! He was just telling me 6 days ago how much he loved me!!
Please leave this relationship before you lose your sanity. Trust me please. God alone helps me to be able to work 30 hours a week. I was a runner.. I have no energy. So please.. I beg of you to save yourself a life of misery. They never change and you will die a slow death. I have been stonewalled by my husband for months and months. He cheated on me in january and moved out week later. The divorce is almost over. I will be 65 next week. I have never been treated this way in my life. I have cried and cried.
This is so hurtful. To be totally ignored and have your self esteem torn to shreds. I am trying to pick myself up and go on with my life. I was married 6 years to this man He is 77 years old. I cannot understand how anyone can treat others like this. It is abuse.. It has so many similarities of lots of porn usuage and how men treat women. I have been reading many articles from this site. I stonewall as a result of this: married two years to second husband and my 6 year old daughter is in bed and its pm , we just moved to a city and I got a job fresh out of College and need to make a good impression for my first year working in a huge hospital, age 26 for us both.
I even tell him to put it on the calendar and pick a day once every two weeks to discuss bills to pay and then we will have more money to save. I have to budget my money maybe he should do that with his. He said ok. But never does. This goes on for an hour or so. He stands in front of me and says you are a manipulating bitch and are playing games with me with his nose to my nose.
I say I will talk when we are calm. He goes into the closet and says he will kill hisself and that no one cares. I stay up all night doing this again and again. I call into work because I am a Physical therapist and I cannot help and heal while i am an emotional wreck from my husband holding me in emotional blackmail. Well years later , he was still aggressive and still talking and talking. These semantics go on and on. I eventually have to say I have to go and leave. So i am a stonewaller. Because at some point listening to someone berate you and then say they will kill themselves because that is how miserable i make them is pretty fucked up.
So yeh slept in car with doors locked and did super mom thing. I still am with him and we are both guitly of all kinds of bad behavior, but for so,me reason i still have my spirt. He needed to leave me if I made e you want to kill yourself. So yeah over the years I would see the signs and it took less and less time to leave and i would always offer to talk when we ar calmer be it 5 mins or two days.
I cannot process everything he is saying because I am being attacked,—It litterally makes no sense sincerely, Stonewaller. You are not a stonewaller. You ignore him as an attempt to avoid harm or more arguing. You are not withholding anything by trying to keep safe. You are trying to avoid abuse and he is trying to avoid honorable behavior.
They all seem to follow the same strategy, the abusers. Getting up in your face is definitely also abuse because it is designed to scare you into thinking he might do something worse.
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One sided, close-minded, selfish people? My husband is stonewalling me as we speak. The crazy thing is, we have a great relationship and this was so sudden. He goes over all different types of weird husband behaviors in that book. But right now my heart is breaking. Hi Erin, How have the last few days gone for you? You seem to have a very similar situation as I do, and I am so sincerely sorry. Part of me feels like leaving for a temporary period would at least help me get out of the environment.
Like he enjoys what is happening. The worst thing is that we have a great relationship. Sure disagreements happen, but we have certainly never gone days without talking. Stonewallers know exactly what they are doing to you. Try to live your life as you normally would. If the days turn into weeks- Demand that he seeks therapy for stonewalling, or else. I wish I would have done this in my first year of marriage. Very good advice. Do not let it go on as it take a toll that you may not be able to pay. My boyfriend is a stonewaller and inflicter of the silent treatment.
He stonewalls whenever I bring up any action of his that has hurt me. He mostly refuses to take responsibility for his behavior. After the stonewalling he usually threatens to leave me. SVS, my experience with Stonewallers: people who choose to stonewall and punish with silent treatment have not developed the ability to take responsibility for their own actions.
They cannot tolerate perceived criticism so they deflect everything back onto the other person to make that person wrong. Remember, your boyfriend is not behaving from his Adult Self when he Stonewalls. The Stonewaller is one of his wounded inner children acting out. You may benefit from Co-Dependents Anonymous.
Here is a list of the Patterns of CoDependent Behavior. If you identify with any of them, you may want to try a Co depends Anonymous meeting. Patterns and Characteristics of Codependence: These patterns and characteristics are offered as a tool to aid in self- evaluation. They may be particularly helpful to newcomers. Denial Patterns: I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling. I minimize, alter, or deny how I truly feel. I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well- being of others. I lack empathy for the feelings and needs of others. I label others with my negative traits.
I can take care of myself without any help from others. I mask my pain in various ways such as anger, humor, or isolation. I express negativity or aggression in indirect and passive ways. I do not recognize the unavailability of those people to whom I am attracted. Low Self Esteem Patterns: I have difficulty making decisions. I judge what I think, say, or do harshly, as never good enough. I am embarrassed to receive recognition, praise, or gifts. I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person. I constantly seek recognition that I think I deserve.
I have difficulty admitting that I made a mistake. I need to appear to be right in the eyes of others and will even lie to look good. I am unable to ask others to meet my needs or desires. I perceive myself as superior to others. I look to others to provide my sense of safety. I have difficulty getting started, meeting deadlines, and completing projects. There is still a need for more radical voices, such as Lesbians and Gays Support the Migrants , which is running a campaign targeting airlines that sponsor Pride while assisting forced deportations of gay migrants to homophobic countries.
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