The Flip Side: Break Free of the Behaviors That Hold You Back

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The Flip Side: Break Free of the Behaviors That Hold You Back

Kevin Carroll. Mind Over Business. I wanted to grow greatness in my children. Today they are partners in a thriving company they bought together. As they put it, "Pop, we are having the time of our life. A typical presentation would start with a question. As I walked in I would ask, "Why are you here? Then a lone voice would invariably pipe up. What are you talking about?

Breaking Free of the Behaviors That Hold You Back.

Is that right? Of course the next questions were the real ones: "What are you here for? What are your talents and gifts? What are your dreams? Why would you focus on a car rather than a purpose? What would happen if you lived your life to its fullest? What could you become if you identified your greatest strengths and removed your worst constraints? I learned many years ago that it didn't matter how many hours I put in, or how hard I worked, I still couldn't get that much MORE out of my efforts.

I was working as hard as I could at being my best, but I was still stuck. The growth I experienced was incremental—which was better than no growth at all—but it was not taking me where I wanted to go. My clients and patients were being stifled by behaviors and thoughts that I believed they could and would change—if only they recognized them and the damage they were doing. They had plenty of talent and resources, but they let their attitudes and actions get in the way of using them.

I also saw that specific behaviors were holding me back from becoming my best. I recognized the similarities between myself and other people who were struggling with their constraints: the distance runner who possessed great speed but lacked mental endurance, the promising junior executive who was too deferential to take charge, or the gifted young student who was simply too self-critical to see her true worth.

My goal was to identify the obstacles in our way and provide the skills to plow through them. I discovered that most limiting behaviors can be traced to a handful of distinct, measurable constraints. I began to develop strategies to release people from their constraints. This evolved into Overcoming Personal Constraints OPC , the simple program I have used to help thousands of people from all walks of life. Understanding the Secrets of Personal Success Consider again the stories of Janice and Tony, the teenagers who arrived at the clinic facing such similar challenges. Working with our counselors they both exhibited what we've come to recognize as signs of low self-confidence, such as difficulty initiating action and making decisions, and periods of crippling self-doubt.

But there was one big difference. Tony also demonstrated a lack of self-control that had a profoundly destructive impact because it was coupled with his anger. In his case the results were devastating: too impulsive to rein in his aggression, Tony got caught up with a violent, drug-dealing crowd and eventually landed in prison. Janice, on the other hand, had enough self-control to stick with an action plan. Following the confidence-building steps mapped out by her counselor, she bonded with a group of other kids who were willing to be supportive and share their lives with her.

Janice learned that she wasn't the only one with problems and that being vulnerable could ultimately empower her. As she practiced simple esteem-building skills such as making eye contact, affirming others, and allowing herself to relax and smile more often, her self-confidence began to increase. She recognized that her behaviors were compromising her potential, and she committed herself to working hard for the brighter future she now felt she deserved.

With her self-confidence on the mend, Janice's natural abilities were finally able to blossom. In Janice's words, "I began to taste success, and I wanted more of it.


Our personal constraints can define us only if we let them. When we ignore our constraints, we allow them to limit us; but when we identify and seek to overcome them, we dramatically improve our chances of success.

R. Kelly breaks his silence on sex abuse claims: "I'm fighting for my f***ing life!"

Daniel was a successful young executive with little ability to nurture others. About the time I began working with him, I was also hired to consult by a philanthropic organization run by a dynamic young executive named Peter. Interestingly, both men demonstrated remarkably similar strengths and constraints. Even though Peter ran a nonprofit organization, he had little desire to nurture others. How they handled their personal constraints, however, couldn't have been more different.

When I met with them individually, Daniel and Peter had the same reaction: each argued that his issues must not be that important or he wouldn't be so successful. In response I asked each man what he thought would happen if I brought in his wife or his closest associates.

Would they agree with me? What would they say? Daniel was quick to answer. Peter, on the other hand, was speechless, and as I watched him imagine the scenario, I could actually see tears well up in his eyes. He looked at me with understanding. First, he sat down with his top staff and asked for their honest feedback, resisting the impulse to argue, and requesting specific examples of any constraints that they agreed upon. He had deliberately planned the first meeting with his colleagues, rather than his wife, so he wouldn't be tempted to start a family argument.

He came back with the examples they gave him, and we developed a personalized plan to address his constraints. He began to build affirming and nurturing behaviors into his life, giving genuinely supportive compliments to his staff and asking them how he could help them grow and be more successful. Next, he asked his wife for her feedback. In response to her words, he made several changes. He cut out unnecessary travel, traded his golf weekends with his buddies for date nights with his wife, and committed to hugging her each time he left and returned.

He chose his words more carefully, rather than giving in to his tendency to be critical, and began spending more time with his children. Within a few months he was back in my office with tears in his eyes once more—however, these were tears of joy. He told me the experience had changed his life. I'm in love with my wife, my children, and my life. Rather than address his constraints, he instructed us to focus more on the people around him and in his organization. These are people who find themselves asking, "How can I accomplish more in my life, both personally and professionally?

We have been amazed at what he can accomplish and this book shows how it all works' - Nolan Ryan 'Revolutionary You have all the tools necessary to be successful in life' - Duncan Dodds.

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